I like to believe I can take people's critisism, anger, and bitterness well (to a reasonable degree). Being a human being is frustrating sometimes, I get it.
But rejection, separation, breakups, and endings - I lose all strength and dignity during those times. Every breakup or goodbye in my life has never ended peacefully or properly. Those people, like ghosts, haunt me, literally- everyday. They are people I care about but am not able to care for anymore. Relatives. Boyfriends. Friends. Classmates. To this day, I still feel the repercussions of failed relationships... no amount of forgiveness is ever enough.
Closure done right is such an amazing thing. I've taken it for granted till now.
Time is not healing. People always remind me that emotions run dry with time. "Things will get better in time", they always say. That has never been the case for me. Broken relationships are impossible for me to get over... maybe because I try to live against the grain of my parent's broken marriage which has fixated itself upon my past, present, and forever. I don't want a future of any more broken relationships. Not a single one more. It's my daily prayer. "Please God. Let their be unity in my future with everyone I come to know, with everyone I come to love".
Although I am ashamed, I am also grateful. Every failed relationship of mine has been an opportunity for me to become aware of my own vices, fix them, and eagerly wait for new chances to be good to the rest of God's people. God's people are good because we truly were made in his image. Yes, that image has been perverted over time but Praise Him, that true fellowship under God's name, can reflect his goodness and holiness.
I love God's people and I really want to become a better person, to serve them and love them.
To the people of my past who haunt me on a daily basis, I can only pray that a window of opportunity may be created for real closure for us. I feel I deserve that much. I really don't want to be haunted anymore. But really... "it hurts when it heals too".
