"Its loves illusions, I recall"

A friend recently told me something that has, for better, given me a sense of remote freedom. She reminded me to not live my life thinking that people belong to me, or I to them. And it's true. No one is really mine to keep, to control, or hope to change. Truthfully, I can't say that I've ever had a relationship I've never been possessive of.

If life were fair, relationships would be mutual, and people would give as much as they take. If life were pure, the people I love would love me too. Instead, somewhere between our innocence and urge, things have become messy. I don't know exactly when my relationships started becoming work, and while I believe everyone should adhere to such a principle, I've found that lately I've been working for nothing, if I've even been working at all. Instead I've been holding on to people just for the sake of holding on. For history's sake, I'll tell myself.

When it comes to logic and the quantity vs. quality of things, quality trumps all. At least, its supposed to. But even though there's clearly a right way and a wrong way to love someone and be loved, I've refused to let my conscience be my guide. People just want to go by what they feel. That is why some commitments are just unexplainable. We don't know why we still care, we just care. I guess that's supposed to mean you're alive, and you're human. We feel warm and real for it.

I'm glad life is so much more than that. Its always been easier for me to mindlessly pine than not pine at all...than lose everything I've ever had with someone. I chose to be mindless because, well, the latter is absolutely terrifying. For literally, goodness' sake, I think it's necessary that I let go. In the end its what I owe myself. And I say 'the end', because I know my life is about to change. With working life ahead of me (who knows what and where), I know there are certain people I'm never going to see again but will still want to hold on to. When that time comes around I'll remind myself to let go. I'm still learning though. It's hard. But I'll do whatever it takes if it'll make me more free.